To Damn Hot

Damn. It is just to hot outside. To do anything really. So the kids and I have been staying inside, enjoying the half ass A/C. On another note, I don't know why I decided to blog today, I mean I remember a time when I wouldn't miss a day of blogging or reading blogs and now I go months without blogging and I rarely read blogs. It is like I have ADD or something, I just can't seem to concentrate on one particular thing for any given moment. And the point of this blog? Huh, there is none. I was just sitting here watching icarly.com and I thought of blogging? Anyway like I said, to damn hot.....

See a ray of light...

I am sick as a fucking dog. I hate being sick. Mothers just can't get sick, ya hear me? I don't want to do a damn thing except lay in bed and just rest. But I have to go to the store in a bit or my kids will starve, maybe getting out will help a bit (doubt it!) But I will have to do it. If you have sent me an email and I haven't gotten back to you, don't worry I will. I have been sick since the weekend and it seems to be getting worse. Anyway it is also about to rain really bad so the gloomy weather doesn't help, although it may help me fall asleep. I really need to clean though!

Lizzy- I think about you constantly, but I find that I don't fall asleep thinking about you or waking up think about you. I felt bad at first but I think it is just a part of the healing process. Kristen told me the same thing and I told her it was ok, she is just accepting the fact that you are gone and it is a good thing. She will never forget you of course, she is talking more and more about you so things are getting easier for her. She loves school and wished she could share her highschool experiences with her lil sis, but she does have her lil brother's and she does talk to them about school. So Lizzy, you are always in our thoughts, I have just come to realize that I can't change what happened and I have to be here mentally for your brothers and sis, right? Plus I know that if the roles were reversed I WOULD NOT want you to mourn for so long, I would want you to go on with your life and being the awesome girl you were I know that you would want that for us. So thank you for the wonderful 10 years that you were here with us, you taught us a lot, most importantly-The Value Of Life and Love.

To The Moon And Back

Love-
The Mom



Your sis and I cut our hair!!

2 Years

2 Years today since you left. We miss you so much Lizzy. It just doesn't feel like 2 years. To The Moon and Back Lizzy- I Love You.

Bartender...Another drink please?

Another late night. Not able to sleep. To many thoughts, memories, some good.....some bad going through this little warped mind of mine. This month , on the 25th will mark the 2 year anniversary since my baby girl died at the tender age of 10. I keep thinking that there will be just one day. ONE FUCKING day where she won't pop into my mind. But every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, her beautiful face and eyes are with me. I have ab MP3 player that her big sister gave to her about a month before she died and she recorded some really goofy stuff on there. I listen to it and cry, knowing I will never ever hear that silly voice of hers. I am so happy to have that precious keepsake. I also have video's of her. I mean I can't bring myself to actually watch the video's because she is actually moving and talking and acting like Lizzy acted, silly, she never had a problem making other people laugh, I hope one day I will be able to pull those video's out and instead of crying I will laugh at the good times.

I try to put things into perspective and see the good in people and things that happen. This, the death of our daughter I never thought there would be anything good again, do you know what it feels like to not see all of the beautiful colors? It is like everything is black and white in the world, the colors are dull to me. Seasons come and go and it is like I don't even notice. Well I think I am starting to notice the colors again some what and I have met this great couple who let me talk to them about Lizzy. They are not scared to hear her name, nor or they scared of mentioning her name. I am thankful to them for that. I wish they knew just how much they help.

My two younger boys are laying here next to me in the bed since my husband is out of town. Since Lizzy died I try not to take each moment for granted, because the week before she died my husband was out of town for work like he is at the moment and I remember this moment just as it would have happened yesterday. She came into my room that night and asked me if she could sleep in the bed with me since one of the boys was sleeping with me, I told her No. And I told her that because it would be crowded with the three of us in bed. If I could change that I would say yes in a heartbeat to have had her sleep with me, I loved watching her sleep. She had the cutest little snore and now I will never hear it again. So with things like that I think about stuff a little more now. It may be something small but just think about it, what if it were your child and you knew they were going to be gone forever, you would want to spend as much time with your child as you could right? So I guess what I am saying is that if your kid wants a pack of gum at the store, that toy they have been wanting, or if they just want to climb in the bed with you at night just do it ok? You won't be spoiling him/her trust me. You will be glad that you did it. Cause you just never know..............

To The Moon And Back, I Love you Lizzy.......See you again someday.

You've got your ball, you've got your chain....

Well, it certain;y has been awhile since I have added anything here. These past few months have been extremely hard to deal with................it has just been hard to LIVE period. We moved into a new home, holiday happiness is all around me and well here I am trying to be happy only remembering that my daughter has died, the way she died, what she was wearing that day. Everything leading up to the accident is so vivid in my mind, but heaven forbid I try to balance my checkbook, all hell breaks lose and I can't even add the simplest of numbers. I could forget what I did 2 minutes ago , but here I am remebering thing that happened almost 2 years ago like they just happened.

I think I have sort of had a small break through if you want to call it that. Things don't seem to be in grey so much anymore, I see more color and am aware of things now that I wasn't aware of during the past 2 years that she has been gone. I don't know what changed to tell you the truth, it certainly wasn't any religious miracle or anything like that, I just WOKE up. I will never forget my daughter, she brightened up any room when she walked in and she just loved to cut up and joke. She will forever be 10 even though she would be 12 now, but since I only knew her when she is 10, she will remain 10 forever.

When we moved to this new house we had the tedious task of bringing over her belongings, BUT no room for her to put the stuff in. So now I have begun to go through bags and bags of her favorite clothes, and blankets. I will never be able to part with any of her items, I believe they should be shared with my surviving children and one day their children. I want them to never forget their sister, we will always remember her and miss her............

Lizzy- I lit a candle for at The Compassionate Friends memorial last night, your na,e was read out loud and I was given a candle to bring your flame to life and it was a good night, lots of tears but we all had something in common , not by choice. I could cry and not worry what the other person might think I was crying for................Anyway Christmas is coming up and in a way I a looking forward to it? Strange as that may sound............I still visit you at the cemetery and will always do that, a quiet peaceful place to think and remember the times I had with you. Anyway baby girl, I will see you again one day.............I Hope. To The Moon And Back I Love You....

Breaking...

Acckkkk. I am so freaking stressed about something it is so unreal....I just wish things would go right for once..........

Moving on......

So we are in our new home. The home where Lizzy never lived here. I am still getting used to this fact. People are Congratulating us and everything and I am like for what, because I forget about the house.........And then I am like ohhhhh, thanks. I don't mean to sound so ungrateful it's just that......Everything is cool in the new home. Weird. I mean her prescence was never felt here, she has no room here, she never walked in this house. Which is sad for me. I also miss my neighbors who were there for me after Lizzy passed, now I feel like I am pretty much alone, even though I am not. We are in an AWESOME house and I can't be happy.............I have tried. I want to be happy and I know that Lizzy would want me to be happy, but it is kind of impossible right now and all new to me...........Maybe with time, as my heart heals I will find that happiness again I once felt when she was alive......

And hopefully I will have some pictures sooner or later...........

*I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my sister, I didn't think we could be this close again after Lizzy died*