Acckkkk. I am so freaking stressed about something it is so unreal....I just wish things would go right for once..........

So we are in our new home. The home where Lizzy never lived here. I am still getting used to this fact. People are Congratulating us and everything and I am like for what, because I forget about the house.........And then I am like ohhhhh, thanks. I don't mean to sound so ungrateful it's just that......Everything is cool in the new home. Weird. I mean her prescence was never felt here, she has no room here, she never walked in this house. Which is sad for me. I also miss my neighbors who were there for me after Lizzy passed, now I feel like I am pretty much alone, even though I am not. We are in an AWESOME house and I can't be happy.............I have tried. I want to be happy and I know that Lizzy would want me to be happy, but it is kind of impossible right now and all new to me...........Maybe with time, as my heart heals I will find that happiness again I once felt when she was alive......

And hopefully I will have some pictures sooner or later...........

*I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my sister, I didn't think we could be this close again after Lizzy died*

I am wide awake. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep and all the stress from these fucking hurricanes, but I have not been sleeping good. Well I just woke in the middle of a nightmare that involved my two young boys and my daughter who has been dead for over a year. This nightmare basically well I was alone with the boys and I was scared....someone kept trying to break in, well in my dream these men did break into my home and started taking stuff, I was trying to get my boys and myself out and I couldn't find the car keys, so I picked up the phone to call my husband and they had cut the lines. So we tried to make a run for it and they saw us. Threw three bags to put over myself and my two boys......Well that scene ended and I was in another scene, still frightened that someone was going to break in and I just kept trying to protect the boys, no matter what though I couldn't get in touch with my husband....He seemed so far away when I did try talking to him..............Finally I just yelled , I WANT TO WAKE UP!!! And there were some other scenes, I saw Elizabeths clothes in the bathroom, started balling and the next thing I know, she is holding my hand pulling my boys and I away from it all and then I woke up. Crying and I am still crying right now. I have dreamed of Lizzy before but never like that, we never held each other or anything like that............SO yeah I am a bit freaked out. Here it is almost 2 in the morning and I can't stop crying or thinking about her holding my hand and just taking me away from this nightmare......I had to take a Valium.....I don't think it is working. I calmed down a bit but damn I just wish she was here so much and I don't know what this dream meant, It probably meant the total opposite of what I am thinking.......I am gonna try to lay down, but I doubt there will be any sleep for me tonight..........again.

I Love You To The Moon And Back Lizzy...........Thank you.

So there is this aggravating piece of shit in the gulf brewing....his name? Hurricane Gustav.....It sucks really for us in Louisiana, since we pretty don't know where it is going and everyone here is on pins and needles.

I mean you don't want it to come here, but then again you don't want it to hit anyone else, so you feel like shit when you say you hope it hits another state.......Obviously it has to go somewhere and since I am about an hour from the coast, look a map to give you an idea of where I am......The little black dot at the end of the bubble.

So yeah, and here is the predicted path, which means in that cone of uncertainty in can go more east or west.

Labels: Gustav, Hurricane, Louisiana

We found a house we really really LOVE. We already own a house, no two houses. But this one is kicking our ass. And with the way the market is right now, I hear that it is a good time to buy, but not to sell. So anyway we are talking to the owner now about the new house....My husband will be meeting with him and everything. So we are pretty serious about this. And my kids love the house so that is a plus. My problem is that I will be leaving the last home that Lizzy lived in. We are in a 4 bedroom now--we will be downgrading to a 3 bedroom and it makes me sad to know that her physical body was never in the new house. There will be no more "Lizzy's room" Her stuff will be in an attic. So yeah I will be leaving some memories behind. Some good some bad. The bad is the field that she died in is right next to our house. I don't mind leaving that behind. Everyday I walk out I have to look out into that field and remember the helicopter landing and the ambulance speeding up and taking her away from us for the last time. Her heart was beating when she left the field.......It is just so sad thinking about leaving this behind, the last house she lived in, with her room still set up the way she had it, Her clothes in her closet and just fucking everything. I also think it would be good for us in a way though, in a sense I guess I feel that we could possibly move on as a more happy family, no reminders of "that" field, "that" day. I will always have her in my heart and the memories of her, the good ones will always be with me. So we will see what happens with this house.......who knows, it might not happen. I don't know yet. Anyway I did not sleep good last night and I really need to take a nap.

*I am thankful for the memories that I have of Lizzy, the happy ones*

DRAMA. I hate drama and lately my life is full of it. I know if Lizzy was here life would be normal and there would be none of this drama. As for now I feel that our little family circle, our perfect circle has been broken for the time being. When it will repair itself, I do not know. Either way it makes me sad and depressed that she is not here and that our family continues to struggle.....

*Today I am thankful for hearing my children laugh, it makes me smile!*

Another school year. Kids getting older. My oldest is in highschool. HIGHSCHOOL! And I think about Lizzy and she would be in 7th grade. I just can't even imagine her being a 12 year old. She was 10 when she died, she was a baby to me still. My oldest son is 8 and my youngest is 6. I am dreading the year they turn 10.....I have no clue. It is just one of those weird mind things I guess....10 was when Lizzy died , so I have it in my mind that something bad will happen to one of them when they turn 10. It breaks my heart still that she is not here. I have been going through a rough period lately, we all have. But I am trying for you. Lizzy. To The Moon And Back......