3 Suns And 1 Star

It certainly has been awhile since I have written here. I think I was avoiding it. Since her birthday in August I feel like I am going crazy. I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her laugh, smile, her love for life and the outdoors. I think of all the camping trips we have gone on since and think to myself how much she would LOVE to be here, playing and laughing and it makes me sad. I had an episode, I guess you would call it that a few weeks back. Right before Thanksgiving I just broke down. I screwed up a few things, finances included and I was always on top that. She passed away in Feb. and I think the realization that she is never coming back finally hit me and it hit me hard. I think it is the holidays, which I am trying to put on a happy face for the kids and hubby but deep down I don't ever feel like I will be happy. It will be a year Feb 25th and it still seems like yesterday that we lost her. Everything is still so vivid. I think about her 24/7 and it haunts my mind and soul. I don't want to grow to be an old unhappy hag but the way things are going, I don't know. I can't get away from the past and that bothers me so much and although the boys are young I don't think they pick up on it, but as for my husband and my teen daughter I know that they do. My husband hurts but doesn't talk about it and I am scared to even mention her name in front of him, I just don't want to make him sad. The holidays were her favorite and we both are having a tough time, he acts like he isn't, but I can tell. We are both putting on fronts for each other and I think it is doing more harm than good.

I stopped seeing the psychiatrist in June or so , thinking I was going to be able to make it on my own and find that happiness I so long for and then when her birthday came, I just haven't been the same since. So when I had my break down a few weeks ago I ended up calling my doctor and will start seeing him again. I know I will never be happy like I was when she was here, hopefully he can teach me some coping skills to deal with my daughter's death and look towards the future, for the sake of my children and husband. I will never forget her. She was our Busy Lizzy and it is still so hard to believe she is gone.........I have video's of her from past holiday's that I can't bare to watch. I am hoping that one day though, I will be able to watch them and maybe even laugh about the good times and the silly things she said or did.

The picture above was taken on Thanksgiving day. I love the picture. To me it is like she is the light that is surrounding them :) I visit her grave often and it just gets harder and harder. I brought her fall flowers and will be bringing her Christmas flowers soon, maybe even decorate her resting place a bit. We put our Christmas tree up, and we still hung her stocking that she made last year. I think in honor of her I will be buying something that she would have wanted and donate it to the less fortunate. She loved soccer and skateboarding so it will be one of those gifts in memory of her. Here is another picture from Christmas 2006, when she was with us. She was helping her dad and siblings put lights up on the house, she is the one at the very top looking tough, lol. I wish I would have known it would have been her last :down:



All felt is hope
To spilling over
Needs are a passing memory
Fear not worthy
Belief
A martyrs burden
Heaved upon capable shoulders
Dissuade your charge
Arrive in commonplace with the elect
Size up the furthest plateau
Inside the soul of saints...

The old dog has to learn a new trick and more
Or the next trick will be on him
I've drank the oceans dry
I've stopped the time
Embraced the riddle of regret (again and again)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
Watch over me...
A square will never fit a circle
No hope
No joke
Both bookend burned

I've drown in oceans (of) mine
I woke the dead
And still the dry bones
Live again
(And again with me)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching over me

In me...watching closely over me
In We...moving within you and me
In deep...our own ideology

In me...x-ray hanged for all to see
Naked...frenzied and we're free
Our own ideology...

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching ME...

Three suns and one star
Watch over me