Hurt

The reflection looking back at me, not a pretty one. Eyes red, puffy. From crying no less. The memories of her keep popping up in my head and I can't escape them. I always find myself when talking to others "Yes I used to do that with Lizzy" Or " Yeah Lizzy was like that too" She is always in my conversations, if I don't say it out loud it certainly is in my mind. So much unsaid, if I can just go back in time and tell her that I Love Her one last time.........I feel like I am going crazy today. But when do I not feel like that? I see the pictures of her on the wall and in her curio cabinet and her eyes just stare back at me..........and knowing that I will never ever get to hold her again or listen to that silly spongebob laugh of hers, hurts like hell. Literally hurts. I never knew my heart could hurt like that. She was unique in every way and she taught me so much. I also feel guilty of the fact that I have three other children and I know I am not being the mom I am supposed to be. They talk, I listen, but from a distance. I remember last Christmas like it was yesterday and all of them opening their presents with such enthusiasm. When I was shopping for Christmas present's for the kids this year, I passed by a whole bunch of stuff Lizzy would have loved to have and yet we can't buy them for her. I know one of things that she would have really really wanted was a PSP or something like that and we would have gotten it for her. Anything to make her happy, not that she wasn't happy. She was so very happy and so sympathetic towards others. She hated to see anyone hurt or upset. It worried her.

I just don't know how to be happy anymore. And it has nothing to do with the kids or my wonderful husband. It is me. All me. A part of me died when she died and I can't get that part back, ever.
I am just HURT
To The Moon And Back Lizzy, I Love You for All Eternity, Mom.