Soap, Soap and more Soap!

So I want to get back into the swing of thise with soapmaking. So I have ordered TONS of supplies tonight. Prices have gone up since I have last ordered anything which was probably over a year ago. Well I guess with the high gas prices and all that shit, I guess they have to raise prices *shrugs* Anyway I can't wait to get my new soap supplies in, I am like a kids in a candy store when it comes to soap supplies, seriously.......But the main reason I am doing this is basically to keep my mind and body busy. I know Lizzy would want me to make my soaps and lipbalms.......In fact I will always remember her coming home from school and I had a package of fragrances and she would just go through all of them smelling each one, telling me which ones she liked or disapproved of.........She liked pretty much all of them though :) She also loved "being a tester" for my bathbombs, soaps, lipbalms, you name it. And she was my best critic, so I am doing this for her, for my other 3 eartly angels and myself of course. The name of my site was SisterLoveSoaps, but will be changing it to Busy Lizzy Soaps N' More. I also make Fleece Fringed Blankets so will be adding that for the winter time, WHICH means I need to make them now.........Anyway that is up with me today. Hope you all have a great week.

Blessed Be-
Les

Stimulated.......

So I opened up my mail today and what do I see? Our STIMULUS CHECK! OMG! lol We have been waiting for this since they first announced it. We have bills to catch up on and school clothes to buy, yayyyy. It has been raining for about 3 days now. I really do love the rain but since we live so close to the Bayou, yeah it can get pretty scary. So I need to find some new blog reads, if anyone has any suggestions at all, please leave the link in a message for me! Thanks guys :]]

Veddy Veddy Quiet!!

I woke up this morning to the sound of guess what?? NOTHING!! My oldest daughter, who is 15 , slept over at a friends house, and my two boys went to their grand-ma's for the night. I am so not used to all of them being gone at the same time!

 

My husband will be leaving here soon to go and help a friend fix his Mustang. We have one as well and I love it, but now the Engine light is on and  it is just a lil over a year ago. Like what the fuck man?  And I love that car.........We have the Expedition which he has been using for work, but DAMN it takes like 100.00 to fill up that monster :(

Anyway I will be back to update this later, my dogs need to go pee snd  poop I am sure, lol

Later-
Peeps

Ever The Same

So I am sitting here and it is 2 something in the morning. Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally and physically. Today it is June 27th, which marks 16 months since my daughter died. Tonight I sit here in her room on her bed, I changed the sheets finally since she has been gone. I was doing everything I could to hold on to every bit of her, everything she touched, I can smell her smell in the sheets. But today something told me...........a little voice inside my head, perhaps her? That said it was time to change the sheets and wash the comforter and just do a real good cleaning of her room. It was so much harder than I thought. Changing those sheets....the last thing she touched, laid upon while she was alive. But I did it.........

My eyes are going to be so swollen in the morning it is not even funny. School starts August 8th, and I am having a hard time grasping that fact that she would be going into the 7th grade. She was in 5th when she died. I see her peers and they have changed so much and I wonder how much she would have changed. She will be 12 next month, almost a teenager and I just can't imagine it. So very weird and sad :[

I am going to bed my eyes just want to close and I will be sleeping in her bed for the 1st time since she has died. I just miss her so much and I would love to be able to tell her just one more time how much I love her and miss her.........

I Love You Lizzy To The Moon And Back....

About Lizzy-Our Shooting Star

Where to even start? Lizzy {Elizabeth Paige Cornes} was born August 14th, 1996. She weighed 6lbs 1oz and was born at 3:41 p.m. I was in labor with her for 19.5 hours, I guess she wasn't ready to enter this crazy world. She was due on my birthday August 17th, but decided to come before that. She was the best birthday present any parent could ask for. She was very energetic and loved to play with any kind of ball, I think in fact that was her first word. Little did we know she would be the athletic one. She was a tomboy and very unique and didn't care what others thought. She started playing soccer when she was 8 and loved it. She also became interested in skateboarding at around 9 years of age. We bought her a cheap skateboard from Toys R Us and she loved it. I joined MySpace, made an awesome new friend, whos son skates with Tony Hawk, but I didn't know that at the time. The band Rush was what started our friendship. When I told him about Busy Lizzy he sent her a deck signed by Tony Hawk and they made a complete board just for her as well sending her lots of cool skating clothes which she wore all the time. She started to become more serious with her skating and soccer. She wanted to be a professional soccer player when she grew up. The day before she passed she made two goals, her first ever. And they won their game. She was learning new tricks on her board and almost had that ollie down.........

The weekend was going great. This was on a Saturday Feb. 24th. Her best friend Thomas came in first in a school project and she made her goals. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

The 25th of Feb. started out good also. She played basketball. Had her best friend Thomas come over and his brother Russel. They rode 4-wheelers for a little while. Her dad bought her the new Tony Hawk playstation game and her and I played that for awhile. It was a good day until Thomas left for his boyscout meeting. She stayed inside to play her game with her dad. She would get bored easily so she would always have to do something with her hands. Which is why she wanted to play drums, and she was in the percussion section in her school's band. Later that day Thomas's brother came over to play with Lizzy and they started riding 4-wheelers again. She came inside and put the key on the table next to me, they were skating I think and then they decided to ride 4-wheelers again. I had the key to the 4-wheeler. She came in and asked me "Can I go ride 4-wheelers again?" We were supposed to go and eat Sunday supper at my mother in laws house down the road and I hesitated when I gave her the key..........I don't know if it was a bad feeling I had, but then she looked at me with those big blue eyes and I handed her the key which I REGRET to this day. I gave it to her and told her that she can't ride long since we will be going to eat at her grandma's house. I also told her not to race and go past 2-3 gear, to which she smiled and said "OK mom!!" And she ran out of the house..............Little did I know that was the last time I would see her alive. The accident is still sort of a mystery to us. We do know she passed away from cardiac arrest and a blood vessel in her brain burst. She was in 5th gear and I think she turned the 4-wheeler to sharp, got scared, used the wrong breaks and flew backwards banging the back of her head pretty badly on the rack in the back. We do know that she was conscience for a few after she hit her head since she did turn off the 4-wheeler........I think she was coming to get us, but she didn't make it and collapsed next to the 4-wheeler. Her friend Russell found her on the ground bleeding heavily and came to get us. My husband performed CPR and could tell her pulse was slowing down. It seems like it tool forever for the ambulance and Air-Med to reach us..............In my heart I knew that she wasn't going to make it. She passed away in her dads arms next to the 4-wheeler. We blame ourselves. She should have had a helmet on, if she did she still might be with us. Well that is about it. It has been 6 months since she passed but it feels like it happened just yesterday. I think about her everyday and can't believe she is gone. I would have traded places with her in a heart beat.

Wounds That Will Not Heal

Well we had a Christmas and a New Year's without you, our very first. I thought Christmas was going to be hard, but I just thought of that as any other day. New Year's was more difficult because number one, I knew you LOVED to light those fireworks :) And well number two, was that I was leaving 2007 behind, the year you lived and died. And now we are in a new year and you aren't here at all and this is proving to be very difficult for me. I want you to know that I did end up watching the fireworks and they were beautiful just as you were, and you were all I thought about when I saw those fireworks go off. Not sad thoughts. But happy ones. I imagined you running to light fireworks next to your brother and sister and then running back, just in time before they went off. And I smiled thinking about that ;
) Anyway I need to go and visit you for the New Years, I went for Christmas and brought some things for you. I also put a picture of you in a ziploc bag, doubled up so that people knew how beautiful you were and those big blue eyes! I think what ever purpose you were put here on this earth my dear, you served it well. Many people miss you. Holly had her baby, named her Claire Elizabeth and Parrain Shawn and Nannie Lauren are having a baby boy soon, they named him Ian Jacob, how cute huh?? Your brother just had his 6th birthday and he is getting so big, he misses you. You two were good buddies. And Nick he is going to be 8 soon!! He has been doing things that you like doing like skating and sometimes he will pull out one of your old soccer balls, he and David will kick it around in the backyard. Kristen misses those fights you two used to have, lol She would give anything for one more day just to tell you that she loves you, just as we all wish. Oh and she is borrowing your belt, you know the one with the flames on it that you picked out at Wal-Mart? Well she has to wear a "normal" belt tomorrow, not the type that she likes, you know the punk/metal type. She felt bad about using your belt but I told her that you wouldn't mind and I know you wouldn't since you were so giving.............We are going to see LSU kick butt tonight at Thomas's house, he misses you as well and Russell also, their lives have changed forever since you came into their lives and I think for the good. Ms. Lori says she wouldn't be surprised if one of her children didn't name their daughter's Elizabeth, after you. Anyway sweetie, I am signing off for now since I have to help your dad prepare the snacks for the LSU game party, whatever you want to call it :) I know you are having a blast where ever you are, you know my beliefs. Life is a circle I once told you, Birth, Death and then Reborn. So I find it odd that two of your cousins became pregnant after you passed away, one having trouble getting pregnant, if you had a hand in this, Thank you. I will see you again one day............possibly in my dreams again??

Love,
Mom

To The Moon And Back I Love You

P.S. I finished my tattoo of you!! I know you would get a kick out of that and all I can hear you saying is "Sweeeeeet" with a big grin on your face............Missing you so much :(
)

Hurt

The reflection looking back at me, not a pretty one. Eyes red, puffy. From crying no less. The memories of her keep popping up in my head and I can't escape them. I always find myself when talking to others "Yes I used to do that with Lizzy" Or " Yeah Lizzy was like that too" She is always in my conversations, if I don't say it out loud it certainly is in my mind. So much unsaid, if I can just go back in time and tell her that I Love Her one last time.........I feel like I am going crazy today. But when do I not feel like that? I see the pictures of her on the wall and in her curio cabinet and her eyes just stare back at me..........and knowing that I will never ever get to hold her again or listen to that silly spongebob laugh of hers, hurts like hell. Literally hurts. I never knew my heart could hurt like that. She was unique in every way and she taught me so much. I also feel guilty of the fact that I have three other children and I know I am not being the mom I am supposed to be. They talk, I listen, but from a distance. I remember last Christmas like it was yesterday and all of them opening their presents with such enthusiasm. When I was shopping for Christmas present's for the kids this year, I passed by a whole bunch of stuff Lizzy would have loved to have and yet we can't buy them for her. I know one of things that she would have really really wanted was a PSP or something like that and we would have gotten it for her. Anything to make her happy, not that she wasn't happy. She was so very happy and so sympathetic towards others. She hated to see anyone hurt or upset. It worried her.

I just don't know how to be happy anymore. And it has nothing to do with the kids or my wonderful husband. It is me. All me. A part of me died when she died and I can't get that part back, ever.
I am just HURT
To The Moon And Back Lizzy, I Love You for All Eternity, Mom.

3 Suns And 1 Star

It certainly has been awhile since I have written here. I think I was avoiding it. Since her birthday in August I feel like I am going crazy. I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her laugh, smile, her love for life and the outdoors. I think of all the camping trips we have gone on since and think to myself how much she would LOVE to be here, playing and laughing and it makes me sad. I had an episode, I guess you would call it that a few weeks back. Right before Thanksgiving I just broke down. I screwed up a few things, finances included and I was always on top that. She passed away in Feb. and I think the realization that she is never coming back finally hit me and it hit me hard. I think it is the holidays, which I am trying to put on a happy face for the kids and hubby but deep down I don't ever feel like I will be happy. It will be a year Feb 25th and it still seems like yesterday that we lost her. Everything is still so vivid. I think about her 24/7 and it haunts my mind and soul. I don't want to grow to be an old unhappy hag but the way things are going, I don't know. I can't get away from the past and that bothers me so much and although the boys are young I don't think they pick up on it, but as for my husband and my teen daughter I know that they do. My husband hurts but doesn't talk about it and I am scared to even mention her name in front of him, I just don't want to make him sad. The holidays were her favorite and we both are having a tough time, he acts like he isn't, but I can tell. We are both putting on fronts for each other and I think it is doing more harm than good.

I stopped seeing the psychiatrist in June or so , thinking I was going to be able to make it on my own and find that happiness I so long for and then when her birthday came, I just haven't been the same since. So when I had my break down a few weeks ago I ended up calling my doctor and will start seeing him again. I know I will never be happy like I was when she was here, hopefully he can teach me some coping skills to deal with my daughter's death and look towards the future, for the sake of my children and husband. I will never forget her. She was our Busy Lizzy and it is still so hard to believe she is gone.........I have video's of her from past holiday's that I can't bare to watch. I am hoping that one day though, I will be able to watch them and maybe even laugh about the good times and the silly things she said or did.

The picture above was taken on Thanksgiving day. I love the picture. To me it is like she is the light that is surrounding them :) I visit her grave often and it just gets harder and harder. I brought her fall flowers and will be bringing her Christmas flowers soon, maybe even decorate her resting place a bit. We put our Christmas tree up, and we still hung her stocking that she made last year. I think in honor of her I will be buying something that she would have wanted and donate it to the less fortunate. She loved soccer and skateboarding so it will be one of those gifts in memory of her. Here is another picture from Christmas 2006, when she was with us. She was helping her dad and siblings put lights up on the house, she is the one at the very top looking tough, lol. I wish I would have known it would have been her last :down:



All felt is hope
To spilling over
Needs are a passing memory
Fear not worthy
Belief
A martyrs burden
Heaved upon capable shoulders
Dissuade your charge
Arrive in commonplace with the elect
Size up the furthest plateau
Inside the soul of saints...

The old dog has to learn a new trick and more
Or the next trick will be on him
I've drank the oceans dry
I've stopped the time
Embraced the riddle of regret (again and again)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
Watch over me...
A square will never fit a circle
No hope
No joke
Both bookend burned

I've drown in oceans (of) mine
I woke the dead
And still the dry bones
Live again
(And again with me)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching over me

In me...watching closely over me
In We...moving within you and me
In deep...our own ideology

In me...x-ray hanged for all to see
Naked...frenzied and we're free
Our own ideology...

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching ME...

Three suns and one star
Watch over me

I Carry Your Heart

I haven't posted in awhile for many reasons. These past few months have been very emotional for our family. Months for firsts without Lizzy here. In July we went on our first vacation without her. We had fun but she was always in the back of my mind. August 14th was her 11th birthday and we had to go to the cemetery to wish her a Happy Birthday and leave flowers, balloons and a soccer ball. No parent should have to go through that. Three days after her birthday is my birthday and I miss her homemade birthday cards. She would make me one for every holiday, I just found a couple more in the attic a few weeks ago. School started , she would be in the 6th grade. I miss seeing her get off the bus and coming inside asking for a snack and helping her with homework. My oldest daughter came home Friday with a folder of papers that Lizzy worked on in the 5th grade. One of the papers was titled "Why Am I Special" I really broke down reading her answers. In it she spoke of three wishes for her future, what she wanted to be when she grew up and who her hero's were, which were us, her family. The above picture is taken from one of her birthday's. She also loved poetry so below I will add one of my favorite poems by E.E. Cummings "I Carry Your Heart" I Love You Busy Lizzy To The Moon And Back.......

Today I am thankful for my family and friends who try to keep me sane, I love you all....

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

And Was She Aware She Was The Very Last One

Lizzy with her lil brother Nick waiting for a Mardi Gras Parade about 5 years ago.......
Today I went to visit you. Your brothers and sister and I. We brought you more flowers to place in the holder. I am afraid that there will be no more room for flowers soon, lol So I guess I will calm down a bit with that. It was hard today, visiting you. I think of the good times and just cry, I sit at the grave site and wonder if I will ever be happy again without you. I know I have people around me that love me and your brothers and sister to care for, but it just isn't the same without you here. All I wanted to do the week after you passed was to look at pictures of you and your beautiful face, now I find it hard to even glance at your last school photo that hangs on the wall, much less go through any photos. So I haven't done that. And I feel guilty for not wanting to look at pictures of you. I guess in time I will be able to once again look at your pictures and laugh about some and maybe even tell the stories behind the pictures but for now I can't and I am so very sorry..........I light my candles for you every night and hope to dream about you every night. Your room is closed off to visitors, I mean I will show them your room, but again I get very uncomfortable even going in there. Your smell still lingers or maybe it is just my imagination. Opening your closet and looking at your clothes is so very hard. Looking at your favorite shirts and pants, smelling them, laying in your bed and smelling your pillow. And I wonder if it is normal for me to do those things...........Anyway babe I am not doing good at all. I put on a act and have been able to play it off really good for awhile now but I don't know how much longer I can keep looking at people and acting like nothing happened......Anyway my beautiful blue eyed babe, I am tired as usual. I wish I could sleep all day, put you know that is impossible. I try to keep moving for your brothers, and sis and your dad............And I am slacking big time. I welcome the night when I go go to sleep and not have to think about anything, just try to dream of you........So I am going to sign off for now. I love you to the moon and back. I will see you around the house sweetie!!

There is a hole in my heart and there is nothing that can repair it................

To You I Would Give The World

I just don't know what to say right now. I am still lost. Have come to the fact that she is gone forever. I put on a happy face for everyone or at least try to........I have learned who my true friends are in this situation that is for sure. So it was 3 months on May 25th...............The images of her at the accident scene, hospital or in the casket will never leave my memories............Those images will be with me until the day I die. I do have some very awesome memories of her though and when I think about the good memories, I break down and cry. I have her portrait tattooed on my back, still have to get her birth and death dates on there but for the most part it is done.............Anyway I will never forget her growing in my tummy, being a major kicker. My 19 1/2 labor with her. My first experiences with breastfeeding. All of her birthdays, our trips together as a family...........Speaking of which we went to Yogi Bear Park and went camping. She loved to camp and wasn't there with us. I had fun but felt guilty at the same time. She should have been there with us having fun. :down:

Hug your kids tight tight tonight and every night, never go to bed angry and always say I Love You..............You just never know when that will be the last time you see or speak to that person.......

To The Moon And Back Lizzy I Love You With All Of My Heart

Beautiful Child

It is hard to believe that it will be 2 months since our Busy Lizzy left, It just doesn't feel right. I think about her everyday, cry everyday. I even went to the cemetery the other day with my youngest son after we did some shopping. One of my missions was to find green Lizzy Beads (we call them that but you get them at the craft store, or like me I got them at Wal-Mart) Anyway I found the beautiful green gems to put into the vase that they have at her grave site......I fixed her flowers up, I bought some more to add to the one's that Holly had added first. So I added mine then I put a mini-birdhouse skateboard sticking out of the Styrofoam. And added the green Lizzy Beads since green was her favorite color (and mine as well) Anyway it gets harder and harder to visit her, I just can't believe she is buried under all of that marble. I miss her like crazy and there is nothing that I can say or do to bring her back. And I keep thinking WHY us? WHY her? She didn't do anything to deserve this. She was a 10 year old little girl who loved the outdoors, soccer, skateboarding and playing with her best friend Thomas. She was bullied at school because she was a tomboy and just before she passed away she had started to become really good friends with one of the girls that bullied her...........She even called to talk to our older daughter today. I don't know what she wanted. But I do know that she typed out a letter to Elizabeth and us and placed it on her casket.............It was a heart wrenching letter. Elizabeth taught her many things it said , one of them might have been not to bully anymore? I don't know........I am just so proud of Elizabeth and I can't tell her and I can't tell her how much I love her. I can't do the snug as a bug in a rug thing anymore, yeah she was 10 but we still did it sometimes. All I can do is to look at pictures of her and wish how much that she was here.........Her little brother told me today. He is 5 keep in mind. "Mom, do you have another baby in your tummy?" I then said No, why?? "Because you need another Elizabeth" "You won't be sad anymore if you have another Elizabeth" So he notices more than I think I suppose........I am tired and will dream of Lizzy tonight or hope to. Below is a picture of her headstone, she is buried with her great grandmother and great grandfather, their headstone is the one above hers............To The Moon And Back Lizzy

Grey Street

I didn't realize she impacted so many people in her short life, but apparently she did and was loved by so many.........There weren't to many empty seats in the chapel. I just want to post this excerpt about her from our local newspaper. The students and her teachers put it together. I will be fixing up her site and then I will start telling the story of our beloved and missed Busy Lizzy. Props go to Sarah for putting this site together and coming up with the awesome skater girl graphics, Lizzy would have loved it..............Anyway here is the excerpt:


Children come to school to learn, but sometimes they are taken away before they're finished. Elizabeth Cornes, a fifth-grader, died in an accident in February. She did her homework and did her best on tests, but she always found time to play. She loved skateboarding and soccer, but she was quiet, also. She had beautiful eyes that let her sweetness come through.The fifth-graders and teachers at Acadian Middle miss her, but know she is skateboarding and having fun in heaven. We miss you, little "Busy Lizzy."

Dreaming With A Broken Heart

This is going to be Elizabeth Paige Cornes "Busy Lizzy" Memorial site, with the help of Sarah I should have it up and running real soon. I miss you my blue eyed baby............ :down: