To The Moon And Back

To Damn Hot

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 21:07:00 +0000

Damn. It is just to hot outside. To do anything really. So the kids and I have been staying inside, enjoying the half ass A/C. On another note, I don't know why I decided to blog today, I mean I remember a time when I wouldn't miss a day of blogging or reading blogs and now I go months without blogging and I rarely read blogs. It is like I have ADD or something, I just can't seem to concentrate on one particular thing for any given moment. And the point of this blog? Huh, there is none. I was just sitting here watching icarly.com and I thought of blogging? Anyway like I said, to damn hot.....

See a ray of light...

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 15:32:00 +0000

I am sick as a fucking dog. I hate being sick. Mothers just can't get sick, ya hear me? I don't want to do a damn thing except lay in bed and just rest. But I have to go to the store in a bit or my kids will starve, maybe getting out will help a bit (doubt it!) But I will have to do it. If you have sent me an email and I haven't gotten back to you, don't worry I will. I have been sick since the weekend and it seems to be getting worse. Anyway it is also about to rain really bad so the gloomy weather doesn't help, although it may help me fall asleep. I really need to clean though!

Lizzy- I think about you constantly, but I find that I don't fall asleep thinking about you or waking up think about you. I felt bad at first but I think it is just a part of the healing process. Kristen told me the same thing and I told her it was ok, she is just accepting the fact that you are gone and it is a good thing. She will never forget you of course, she is talking more and more about you so things are getting easier for her. She loves school and wished she could share her highschool experiences with her lil sis, but she does have her lil brother's and she does talk to them about school. So Lizzy, you are always in our thoughts, I have just come to realize that I can't change what happened and I have to be here mentally for your brothers and sis, right? Plus I know that if the roles were reversed I WOULD NOT want you to mourn for so long, I would want you to go on with your life and being the awesome girl you were I know that you would want that for us. So thank you for the wonderful 10 years that you were here with us, you taught us a lot, most importantly-The Value Of Life and Love.

To The Moon And Back

Love-
The Mom

Your sis and I cut our hair!!

2 Years

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 21:05:00 +0000

2 Years today since you left. We miss you so much Lizzy. It just doesn't feel like 2 years. To The Moon and Back Lizzy- I Love You.

Bartender...Another drink please?

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 05:46:00 +0000

Another late night. Not able to sleep. To many thoughts, memories, some good.....some bad going through this little warped mind of mine. This month , on the 25th will mark the 2 year anniversary since my baby girl died at the tender age of 10. I keep thinking that there will be just one day. ONE FUCKING day where she won't pop into my mind. But every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, her beautiful face and eyes are with me. I have ab MP3 player that her big sister gave to her about a month before she died and she recorded some really goofy stuff on there. I listen to it and cry, knowing I will never ever hear that silly voice of hers. I am so happy to have that precious keepsake. I also have video's of her. I mean I can't bring myself to actually watch the video's because she is actually moving and talking and acting like Lizzy acted, silly, she never had a problem making other people laugh, I hope one day I will be able to pull those video's out and instead of crying I will laugh at the good times.

I try to put things into perspective and see the good in people and things that happen. This, the death of our daughter I never thought there would be anything good again, do you know what it feels like to not see all of the beautiful colors? It is like everything is black and white in the world, the colors are dull to me. Seasons come and go and it is like I don't even notice. Well I think I am starting to notice the colors again some what and I have met this great couple who let me talk to them about Lizzy. They are not scared to hear her name, nor or they scared of mentioning her name. I am thankful to them for that. I wish they knew just how much they help.

My two younger boys are laying here next to me in the bed since my husband is out of town. Since Lizzy died I try not to take each moment for granted, because the week before she died my husband was out of town for work like he is at the moment and I remember this moment just as it would have happened yesterday. She came into my room that night and asked me if she could sleep in the bed with me since one of the boys was sleeping with me, I told her No. And I told her that because it would be crowded with the three of us in bed. If I could change that I would say yes in a heartbeat to have had her sleep with me, I loved watching her sleep. She had the cutest little snore and now I will never hear it again. So with things like that I think about stuff a little more now. It may be something small but just think about it, what if it were your child and you knew they were going to be gone forever, you would want to spend as much time with your child as you could right? So I guess what I am saying is that if your kid wants a pack of gum at the store, that toy they have been wanting, or if they just want to climb in the bed with you at night just do it ok? You won't be spoiling him/her trust me. You will be glad that you did it. Cause you just never know..............

To The Moon And Back, I Love you Lizzy.......See you again someday.

You've got your ball, you've got your chain....

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Tue, 16 Dec 2008 02:21:00 +0000

Well, it certain;y has been awhile since I have added anything here. These past few months have been extremely hard to deal with................it has just been hard to LIVE period. We moved into a new home, holiday happiness is all around me and well here I am trying to be happy only remembering that my daughter has died, the way she died, what she was wearing that day. Everything leading up to the accident is so vivid in my mind, but heaven forbid I try to balance my checkbook, all hell breaks lose and I can't even add the simplest of numbers. I could forget what I did 2 minutes ago , but here I am remebering thing that happened almost 2 years ago like they just happened.

I think I have sort of had a small break through if you want to call it that. Things don't seem to be in grey so much anymore, I see more color and am aware of things now that I wasn't aware of during the past 2 years that she has been gone. I don't know what changed to tell you the truth, it certainly wasn't any religious miracle or anything like that, I just WOKE up. I will never forget my daughter, she brightened up any room when she walked in and she just loved to cut up and joke. She will forever be 10 even though she would be 12 now, but since I only knew her when she is 10, she will remain 10 forever.

When we moved to this new house we had the tedious task of bringing over her belongings, BUT no room for her to put the stuff in. So now I have begun to go through bags and bags of her favorite clothes, and blankets. I will never be able to part with any of her items, I believe they should be shared with my surviving children and one day their children. I want them to never forget their sister, we will always remember her and miss her............

Lizzy- I lit a candle for at The Compassionate Friends memorial last night, your na,e was read out loud and I was given a candle to bring your flame to life and it was a good night, lots of tears but we all had something in common , not by choice. I could cry and not worry what the other person might think I was crying for................Anyway Christmas is coming up and in a way I a looking forward to it? Strange as that may sound............I still visit you at the cemetery and will always do that, a quiet peaceful place to think and remember the times I had with you. Anyway baby girl, I will see you again one day.............I Hope. To The Moon And Back I Love You....

Breaking...

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:15:00 +0000

Acckkkk. I am so freaking stressed about something it is so unreal....I just wish things would go right for once..........

Moving on......

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 04:26:00 +0000

So we are in our new home. The home where Lizzy never lived here. I am still getting used to this fact. People are Congratulating us and everything and I am like for what, because I forget about the house.........And then I am like ohhhhh, thanks. I don't mean to sound so ungrateful it's just that......Everything is cool in the new home. Weird. I mean her prescence was never felt here, she has no room here, she never walked in this house. Which is sad for me. I also miss my neighbors who were there for me after Lizzy passed, now I feel like I am pretty much alone, even though I am not. We are in an AWESOME house and I can't be happy.............I have tried. I want to be happy and I know that Lizzy would want me to be happy, but it is kind of impossible right now and all new to me...........Maybe with time, as my heart heals I will find that happiness again I once felt when she was alive......

And hopefully I will have some pictures sooner or later...........

*I am so thankful for the relationship I have with my sister, I didn't think we could be this close again after Lizzy died*

The Hollow...

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Sun, 14 Sep 2008 06:32:00 +0000

I am wide awake. I don't know if it is the lack of sleep and all the stress from these fucking hurricanes, but I have not been sleeping good. Well I just woke in the middle of a nightmare that involved my two young boys and my daughter who has been dead for over a year. This nightmare basically well I was alone with the boys and I was scared....someone kept trying to break in, well in my dream these men did break into my home and started taking stuff, I was trying to get my boys and myself out and I couldn't find the car keys, so I picked up the phone to call my husband and they had cut the lines. So we tried to make a run for it and they saw us. Threw three bags to put over myself and my two boys......Well that scene ended and I was in another scene, still frightened that someone was going to break in and I just kept trying to protect the boys, no matter what though I couldn't get in touch with my husband....He seemed so far away when I did try talking to him..............Finally I just yelled , I WANT TO WAKE UP!!! And there were some other scenes, I saw Elizabeths clothes in the bathroom, started balling and the next thing I know, she is holding my hand pulling my boys and I away from it all and then I woke up. Crying and I am still crying right now. I have dreamed of Lizzy before but never like that, we never held each other or anything like that............SO yeah I am a bit freaked out. Here it is almost 2 in the morning and I can't stop crying or thinking about her holding my hand and just taking me away from this nightmare......I had to take a Valium.....I don't think it is working. I calmed down a bit but damn I just wish she was here so much and I don't know what this dream meant, It probably meant the total opposite of what I am thinking.......I am gonna try to lay down, but I doubt there will be any sleep for me tonight..........again.

I Love You To The Moon And Back Lizzy...........Thank you.

Your shittin me right?

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 17:01:00 +0000

So there is this aggravating piece of shit in the gulf brewing....his name? Hurricane Gustav.....It sucks really for us in Louisiana, since we pretty don't know where it is going and everyone here is on pins and needles.

I mean you don't want it to come here, but then again you don't want it to hit anyone else, so you feel like shit when you say you hope it hits another state.......Obviously it has to go somewhere and since I am about an hour from the coast, look a map to give you an idea of where I am......The little black dot at the end of the bubble.

So yeah, and here is the predicted path, which means in that cone of uncertainty in can go more east or west.

So with that said, I am off to the store in a bit for :: water, batteries, canned foods, shit load of bread, ham, cheese, WATER, WATER, WATER, paper plates, plastic spoons, forks, paper towels and whatever else I can think of while I am there. HOPEFULLY everyone is not fighting over the last can of tuna when I arrive, yes I have seen it happen............Anyway I have a cat that won't leave me the fuck alone so I need to go......Later Gator.

*Today I am thankful for the weather channel.........No Joke*

Moving on......

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 15:16:00 +0000

We found a house we really really LOVE. We already own a house, no two houses. But this one is kicking our ass. And with the way the market is right now, I hear that it is a good time to buy, but not to sell. So anyway we are talking to the owner now about the new house....My husband will be meeting with him and everything. So we are pretty serious about this. And my kids love the house so that is a plus. My problem is that I will be leaving the last home that Lizzy lived in. We are in a 4 bedroom now--we will be downgrading to a 3 bedroom and it makes me sad to know that her physical body was never in the new house. There will be no more "Lizzy's room" Her stuff will be in an attic. So yeah I will be leaving some memories behind. Some good some bad. The bad is the field that she died in is right next to our house. I don't mind leaving that behind. Everyday I walk out I have to look out into that field and remember the helicopter landing and the ambulance speeding up and taking her away from us for the last time. Her heart was beating when she left the field.......It is just so sad thinking about leaving this behind, the last house she lived in, with her room still set up the way she had it, Her clothes in her closet and just fucking everything. I also think it would be good for us in a way though, in a sense I guess I feel that we could possibly move on as a more happy family, no reminders of "that" field, "that" day. I will always have her in my heart and the memories of her, the good ones will always be with me. So we will see what happens with this house.......who knows, it might not happen. I don't know yet. Anyway I did not sleep good last night and I really need to take a nap.

*I am thankful for the memories that I have of Lizzy, the happy ones*

A Perfect Circle.....Broken

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Fri, 22 Aug 2008 16:21:00 +0000

DRAMA. I hate drama and lately my life is full of it. I know if Lizzy was here life would be normal and there would be none of this drama. As for now I feel that our little family circle, our perfect circle has been broken for the time being. When it will repair itself, I do not know. Either way it makes me sad and depressed that she is not here and that our family continues to struggle.....

*Today I am thankful for hearing my children laugh, it makes me smile!*

And so it begins...

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 03:37:00 +0000

Another school year. Kids getting older. My oldest is in highschool. HIGHSCHOOL! And I think about Lizzy and she would be in 7th grade. I just can't even imagine her being a 12 year old. She was 10 when she died, she was a baby to me still. My oldest son is 8 and my youngest is 6. I am dreading the year they turn 10.....I have no clue. It is just one of those weird mind things I guess....10 was when Lizzy died , so I have it in my mind that something bad will happen to one of them when they turn 10. It breaks my heart still that she is not here. I have been going through a rough period lately, we all have. But I am trying for you. Lizzy. To The Moon And Back......

Nothin' But A Good Time

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 08:05:00 +0000

Remember those guys above?? One of the greatest Hair Metal Bands of all time! Shoooooot man- I used to like LOVE them a lot when I was around 14 or so, and that was about 18, 19 years ago? Damn where has the time gone! Fuck. Well anyway I saw them in concert once when I was that age and back then it was awesome. I had 6th row floor and I was with some people one whom I considered what I thought was my best friend (turns out she is the type of friend that will use you if you have more money, well my parents did back then anyway....) Anyway back to Poison, now I don't listen to them anymore. Can't remember the last time I actually heard one of their songs, BUT this Friday I get to see them in concert once again and my 15 year old daughter will be coming a long with us. She will probably be wondering why I liked them so much. She thinks they are ugly, and their hair is "fonky" as she so delicatley put it. Yet she really wants to go and see them in concert. She is right though, they are not all that anymore. But back then I thought they were the SHIT! I had posters of them all over my walls, including the one above. I kinda can't wait to see them though. Maybe if I close my eyes, I can pretend I was that 14/15 year old girl once again when things were so much simpiler *sigh* I leave you with a video from them below and hope that you have Nothin' But A Good Time with your life, don't take things so seriously *wink*

Never free from sadness

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 05:18:00 +0000

So another July 4th has passed without our Lizzy. I tried to have a good time for the boys, for they are still young and time moves on for them. We didn't even buy fireworks, instead we went to the neighbors , ate some bbq and watched the fireworks. I thought of Lizzy as each one went off, pretending they were sending sweet messages to her.........I could just see her in my mind lighting those fireworks so happily last year for the New Year. In the picture below, she is the one kneeling down , not afraid to light those things. We had a great time, a day I hope to always remember, even in my old age.....Tonight I looked at the stars and saw you Lizzy. You are beautiful.

Waiting for the dreams....

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:26:00 +0000

Yeap so tired, but cannot sleep. Took my Ambien and I am still up.........

I am taking my daughter to get her belly pierced tomorrow, something she has been wanting and her dad and i agreed upon. So yeah we will be busy tomorrow! And I am almost finished ordering my supplies, ooooooo can't wait!!

Blessed Be-
Les

Soap, Soap and more Soap!

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 02:58:00 +0000

So I want to get back into the swing of thise with soapmaking. So I have ordered TONS of supplies tonight. Prices have gone up since I have last ordered anything which was probably over a year ago. Well I guess with the high gas prices and all that shit, I guess they have to raise prices *shrugs* Anyway I can't wait to get my new soap supplies in, I am like a kids in a candy store when it comes to soap supplies, seriously.......But the main reason I am doing this is basically to keep my mind and body busy. I know Lizzy would want me to make my soaps and lipbalms.......In fact I will always remember her coming home from school and I had a package of fragrances and she would just go through all of them smelling each one, telling me which ones she liked or disapproved of.........She liked pretty much all of them though :) She also loved "being a tester" for my bathbombs, soaps, lipbalms, you name it. And she was my best critic, so I am doing this for her, for my other 3 eartly angels and myself of course. The name of my site was SisterLoveSoaps, but will be changing it to Busy Lizzy Soaps N' More. I also make Fleece Fringed Blankets so will be adding that for the winter time, WHICH means I need to make them now.........Anyway that is up with me today. Hope you all have a great week.

Blessed Be-
Les

Stimulated.......

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 23:17:00 +0000

So I opened up my mail today and what do I see? Our STIMULUS CHECK! OMG! lol We have been waiting for this since they first announced it. We have bills to catch up on and school clothes to buy, yayyyy. It has been raining for about 3 days now. I really do love the rain but since we live so close to the Bayou, yeah it can get pretty scary. So I need to find some new blog reads, if anyone has any suggestions at all, please leave the link in a message for me! Thanks guys :]]

Veddy Veddy Quiet!!

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Sat, 28 Jun 2008 13:23:00 +0000

I woke up this morning to the sound of guess what?? NOTHING!! My oldest daughter, who is 15 , slept over at a friends house, and my two boys went to their grand-ma's for the night. I am so not used to all of them being gone at the same time!

My husband will be leaving here soon to go and help a friend fix his Mustang. We have one as well and I love it, but now the Engine light is on and it is just a lil over a year ago. Like what the fuck man? And I love that car.........We have the Expedition which he has been using for work, but DAMN it takes like 100.00 to fill up that monster :(

Anyway I will be back to update this later, my dogs need to go pee snd poop I am sure, lol

Later-
Peeps

Ever The Same

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 07:29:00 +0000

So I am sitting here and it is 2 something in the morning. Today has been a bad day for me, emotionally and physically. Today it is June 27th, which marks 16 months since my daughter died. Tonight I sit here in her room on her bed, I changed the sheets finally since she has been gone. I was doing everything I could to hold on to every bit of her, everything she touched, I can smell her smell in the sheets. But today something told me...........a little voice inside my head, perhaps her? That said it was time to change the sheets and wash the comforter and just do a real good cleaning of her room. It was so much harder than I thought. Changing those sheets....the last thing she touched, laid upon while she was alive. But I did it.........

My eyes are going to be so swollen in the morning it is not even funny. School starts August 8th, and I am having a hard time grasping that fact that she would be going into the 7th grade. She was in 5th when she died. I see her peers and they have changed so much and I wonder how much she would have changed. She will be 12 next month, almost a teenager and I just can't imagine it. So very weird and sad :[

I am going to bed my eyes just want to close and I will be sleeping in her bed for the 1st time since she has died. I just miss her so much and I would love to be able to tell her just one more time how much I love her and miss her.........

I Love You Lizzy To The Moon And Back....

About Lizzy-Our Shooting Star

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:22:00 +0000

Where to even start? Lizzy {Elizabeth Paige Cornes} was born August 14th, 1996. She weighed 6lbs 1oz and was born at 3:41 p.m. I was in labor with her for 19.5 hours, I guess she wasn't ready to enter this crazy world. She was due on my birthday August 17th, but decided to come before that. She was the best birthday present any parent could ask for. She was very energetic and loved to play with any kind of ball, I think in fact that was her first word. Little did we know she would be the athletic one. She was a tomboy and very unique and didn't care what others thought. She started playing soccer when she was 8 and loved it. She also became interested in skateboarding at around 9 years of age. We bought her a cheap skateboard from Toys R Us and she loved it. I joined MySpace, made an awesome new friend, whos son skates with Tony Hawk, but I didn't know that at the time. The band Rush was what started our friendship. When I told him about Busy Lizzy he sent her a deck signed by Tony Hawk and they made a complete board just for her as well sending her lots of cool skating clothes which she wore all the time. She started to become more serious with her skating and soccer. She wanted to be a professional soccer player when she grew up. The day before she passed she made two goals, her first ever. And they won their game. She was learning new tricks on her board and almost had that ollie down.........

The weekend was going great. This was on a Saturday Feb. 24th. Her best friend Thomas came in first in a school project and she made her goals. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

The 25th of Feb. started out good also. She played basketball. Had her best friend Thomas come over and his brother Russel. They rode 4-wheelers for a little while. Her dad bought her the new Tony Hawk playstation game and her and I played that for awhile. It was a good day until Thomas left for his boyscout meeting. She stayed inside to play her game with her dad. She would get bored easily so she would always have to do something with her hands. Which is why she wanted to play drums, and she was in the percussion section in her school's band. Later that day Thomas's brother came over to play with Lizzy and they started riding 4-wheelers again. She came inside and put the key on the table next to me, they were skating I think and then they decided to ride 4-wheelers again. I had the key to the 4-wheeler. She came in and asked me "Can I go ride 4-wheelers again?" We were supposed to go and eat Sunday supper at my mother in laws house down the road and I hesitated when I gave her the key..........I don't know if it was a bad feeling I had, but then she looked at me with those big blue eyes and I handed her the key which I REGRET to this day. I gave it to her and told her that she can't ride long since we will be going to eat at her grandma's house. I also told her not to race and go past 2-3 gear, to which she smiled and said "OK mom!!" And she ran out of the house..............Little did I know that was the last time I would see her alive. The accident is still sort of a mystery to us. We do know she passed away from cardiac arrest and a blood vessel in her brain burst. She was in 5th gear and I think she turned the 4-wheeler to sharp, got scared, used the wrong breaks and flew backwards banging the back of her head pretty badly on the rack in the back. We do know that she was conscience for a few after she hit her head since she did turn off the 4-wheeler........I think she was coming to get us, but she didn't make it and collapsed next to the 4-wheeler. Her friend Russell found her on the ground bleeding heavily and came to get us. My husband performed CPR and could tell her pulse was slowing down. It seems like it tool forever for the ambulance and Air-Med to reach us..............In my heart I knew that she wasn't going to make it. She passed away in her dads arms next to the 4-wheeler. We blame ourselves. She should have had a helmet on, if she did she still might be with us. Well that is about it. It has been 6 months since she passed but it feels like it happened just yesterday. I think about her everyday and can't believe she is gone. I would have traded places with her in a heart beat.

Wounds That Will Not Heal

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:21:00 +0000

Well we had a Christmas and a New Year's without you, our very first. I thought Christmas was going to be hard, but I just thought of that as any other day. New Year's was more difficult because number one, I knew you LOVED to light those fireworks :) And well number two, was that I was leaving 2007 behind, the year you lived and died. And now we are in a new year and you aren't here at all and this is proving to be very difficult for me. I want you to know that I did end up watching the fireworks and they were beautiful just as you were, and you were all I thought about when I saw those fireworks go off. Not sad thoughts. But happy ones. I imagined you running to light fireworks next to your brother and sister and then running back, just in time before they went off. And I smiled thinking about that ;
) Anyway I need to go and visit you for the New Years, I went for Christmas and brought some things for you. I also put a picture of you in a ziploc bag, doubled up so that people knew how beautiful you were and those big blue eyes! I think what ever purpose you were put here on this earth my dear, you served it well. Many people miss you. Holly had her baby, named her Claire Elizabeth and Parrain Shawn and Nannie Lauren are having a baby boy soon, they named him Ian Jacob, how cute huh?? Your brother just had his 6th birthday and he is getting so big, he misses you. You two were good buddies. And Nick he is going to be 8 soon!! He has been doing things that you like doing like skating and sometimes he will pull out one of your old soccer balls, he and David will kick it around in the backyard. Kristen misses those fights you two used to have, lol She would give anything for one more day just to tell you that she loves you, just as we all wish. Oh and she is borrowing your belt, you know the one with the flames on it that you picked out at Wal-Mart? Well she has to wear a "normal" belt tomorrow, not the type that she likes, you know the punk/metal type. She felt bad about using your belt but I told her that you wouldn't mind and I know you wouldn't since you were so giving.............We are going to see LSU kick butt tonight at Thomas's house, he misses you as well and Russell also, their lives have changed forever since you came into their lives and I think for the good. Ms. Lori says she wouldn't be surprised if one of her children didn't name their daughter's Elizabeth, after you. Anyway sweetie, I am signing off for now since I have to help your dad prepare the snacks for the LSU game party, whatever you want to call it :) I know you are having a blast where ever you are, you know my beliefs. Life is a circle I once told you, Birth, Death and then Reborn. So I find it odd that two of your cousins became pregnant after you passed away, one having trouble getting pregnant, if you had a hand in this, Thank you. I will see you again one day............possibly in my dreams again??

Love,
Mom

To The Moon And Back I Love You

P.S. I finished my tattoo of you!! I know you would get a kick out of that and all I can hear you saying is "Sweeeeeet" with a big grin on your face............Missing you so much :(
)

Hurt

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:20:00 +0000

The reflection looking back at me, not a pretty one. Eyes red, puffy. From crying no less. The memories of her keep popping up in my head and I can't escape them. I always find myself when talking to others "Yes I used to do that with Lizzy" Or " Yeah Lizzy was like that too" She is always in my conversations, if I don't say it out loud it certainly is in my mind. So much unsaid, if I can just go back in time and tell her that I Love Her one last time.........I feel like I am going crazy today. But when do I not feel like that? I see the pictures of her on the wall and in her curio cabinet and her eyes just stare back at me..........and knowing that I will never ever get to hold her again or listen to that silly spongebob laugh of hers, hurts like hell. Literally hurts. I never knew my heart could hurt like that. She was unique in every way and she taught me so much. I also feel guilty of the fact that I have three other children and I know I am not being the mom I am supposed to be. They talk, I listen, but from a distance. I remember last Christmas like it was yesterday and all of them opening their presents with such enthusiasm. When I was shopping for Christmas present's for the kids this year, I passed by a whole bunch of stuff Lizzy would have loved to have and yet we can't buy them for her. I know one of things that she would have really really wanted was a PSP or something like that and we would have gotten it for her. Anything to make her happy, not that she wasn't happy. She was so very happy and so sympathetic towards others. She hated to see anyone hurt or upset. It worried her.

I just don't know how to be happy anymore. And it has nothing to do with the kids or my wonderful husband. It is me. All me. A part of me died when she died and I can't get that part back, ever.
I am just HURT
To The Moon And Back Lizzy, I Love You for All Eternity, Mom.

3 Suns And 1 Star

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:20:00 +0000

It certainly has been awhile since I have written here. I think I was avoiding it. Since her birthday in August I feel like I am going crazy. I miss her so much it hurts. I miss her laugh, smile, her love for life and the outdoors. I think of all the camping trips we have gone on since and think to myself how much she would LOVE to be here, playing and laughing and it makes me sad. I had an episode, I guess you would call it that a few weeks back. Right before Thanksgiving I just broke down. I screwed up a few things, finances included and I was always on top that. She passed away in Feb. and I think the realization that she is never coming back finally hit me and it hit me hard. I think it is the holidays, which I am trying to put on a happy face for the kids and hubby but deep down I don't ever feel like I will be happy. It will be a year Feb 25th and it still seems like yesterday that we lost her. Everything is still so vivid. I think about her 24/7 and it haunts my mind and soul. I don't want to grow to be an old unhappy hag but the way things are going, I don't know. I can't get away from the past and that bothers me so much and although the boys are young I don't think they pick up on it, but as for my husband and my teen daughter I know that they do. My husband hurts but doesn't talk about it and I am scared to even mention her name in front of him, I just don't want to make him sad. The holidays were her favorite and we both are having a tough time, he acts like he isn't, but I can tell. We are both putting on fronts for each other and I think it is doing more harm than good.

I stopped seeing the psychiatrist in June or so , thinking I was going to be able to make it on my own and find that happiness I so long for and then when her birthday came, I just haven't been the same since. So when I had my break down a few weeks ago I ended up calling my doctor and will start seeing him again. I know I will never be happy like I was when she was here, hopefully he can teach me some coping skills to deal with my daughter's death and look towards the future, for the sake of my children and husband. I will never forget her. She was our Busy Lizzy and it is still so hard to believe she is gone.........I have video's of her from past holiday's that I can't bare to watch. I am hoping that one day though, I will be able to watch them and maybe even laugh about the good times and the silly things she said or did.

The picture above was taken on Thanksgiving day. I love the picture. To me it is like she is the light that is surrounding them :) I visit her grave often and it just gets harder and harder. I brought her fall flowers and will be bringing her Christmas flowers soon, maybe even decorate her resting place a bit. We put our Christmas tree up, and we still hung her stocking that she made last year. I think in honor of her I will be buying something that she would have wanted and donate it to the less fortunate. She loved soccer and skateboarding so it will be one of those gifts in memory of her. Here is another picture from Christmas 2006, when she was with us. She was helping her dad and siblings put lights up on the house, she is the one at the very top looking tough, lol. I wish I would have known it would have been her last :down:

All felt is hope
To spilling over
Needs are a passing memory
Fear not worthy
Belief
A martyrs burden
Heaved upon capable shoulders
Dissuade your charge
Arrive in commonplace with the elect
Size up the furthest plateau
Inside the soul of saints...

The old dog has to learn a new trick and more
Or the next trick will be on him
I've drank the oceans dry
I've stopped the time
Embraced the riddle of regret (again and again)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
Watch over me...
A square will never fit a circle
No hope
No joke
Both bookend burned

I've drown in oceans (of) mine
I woke the dead
And still the dry bones
Live again
(And again with me)

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching over me

In me...watching closely over me
In We...moving within you and me
In deep...our own ideology

In me...x-ray hanged for all to see
Naked...frenzied and we're free
Our own ideology...

Desire
Haunts me long
The light of 3 suns and one star
No higher
Keeps us strong
The light of 3 suns and one star...
Watching ME...

Three suns and one star
Watch over me

I Carry Your Heart

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:19:00 +0000

I haven't posted in awhile for many reasons. These past few months have been very emotional for our family. Months for firsts without Lizzy here. In July we went on our first vacation without her. We had fun but she was always in the back of my mind. August 14th was her 11th birthday and we had to go to the cemetery to wish her a Happy Birthday and leave flowers, balloons and a soccer ball. No parent should have to go through that. Three days after her birthday is my birthday and I miss her homemade birthday cards. She would make me one for every holiday, I just found a couple more in the attic a few weeks ago. School started , she would be in the 6th grade. I miss seeing her get off the bus and coming inside asking for a snack and helping her with homework. My oldest daughter came home Friday with a folder of papers that Lizzy worked on in the 5th grade. One of the papers was titled "Why Am I Special" I really broke down reading her answers. In it she spoke of three wishes for her future, what she wanted to be when she grew up and who her hero's were, which were us, her family. The above picture is taken from one of her birthday's. She also loved poetry so below I will add one of my favorite poems by E.E. Cummings "I Carry Your Heart" I Love You Busy Lizzy To The Moon And Back.......

Today I am thankful for my family and friends who try to keep me sane, I love you all....

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

And Was She Aware She Was The Very Last One

cajunsoaper@gmail.com (3libras) — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 05:17:00 +0000

Lizzy with her lil brother Nick waiting for a Mardi Gras Parade about 5 years ago.......
Today I went to visit you. Your brothers and sister and I. We brought you more flowers to place in the holder. I am afraid that there will be no more room for flowers soon, lol So I guess I will calm down a bit with that. It was hard today, visiting you. I think of the good times and just cry, I sit at the grave site and wonder if I will ever be happy again without you. I know I have people around me that love me and your brothers and sister to care for, but it just isn't the same without you here. All I wanted to do the week after you passed was to look at pictures of you and your beautiful face, now I find it hard to even glance at your last school photo that hangs on the wall, much less go through any photos. So I haven't done that. And I feel guilty for not wanting to look at pictures of you. I guess in time I will be able to once again look at your pictures and laugh about some and maybe even tell the stories behind the pictures but for now I can't and I am so very sorry..........I light my candles for you every night and hope to dream about you every night. Your room is closed off to visitors, I mean I will show them your room, but again I get very uncomfortable even going in there. Your smell still lingers or maybe it is just my imagination. Opening your closet and looking at your clothes is so very hard. Looking at your favorite shirts and pants, smelling them, laying in your bed and smelling your pillow. And I wonder if it is normal for me to do those things...........Anyway babe I am not doing good at all. I put on a act and have been able to play it off really good for awhile now but I don't know how much longer I can keep looking at people and acting like nothing happened......Anyway my beautiful blue eyed babe, I am tired as usual. I wish I could sleep all day, put you know that is impossible. I try to keep moving for your brothers, and sis and your dad............And I am slacking big time. I welcome the night when I go go to sleep and not have to think about anything, just try to dream of you........So I am going to sign off for now. I love you to the moon and back. I will see you around the house sweetie!!

There is a hole in my heart and there is nothing that can repair it................